ever. Jeez. And a fe up for good. And soon after , I lost my girl. She was English.
ts why I was here.
there was a silence.
ts it? said Jess.
ts it.
ts patic. I see crap about t be in a band t sounds like tones? Id be te. Id ratill like them in America? No one does here.
ts Mick Jagger, isnt it, tones? Maureen asked. te good, t sitting ing stale Custard Creams like JJ, is before Cmas, said Maureen. Maybe I didnt put t tin properly.
I arting to think we were losing focus on my issues.
tones ts kind of not important. t like an illustration. I just meant… songs, guitars, energy.
eig got any energy.
I sain. t England lost to Germany in ties. A cook a of tening to t of energy then.
y then, said Jess.
ill you s t presume t every time I speak I say fuck, fucking or motrying to tell you about my whole life.
No ones stopping you, said Jess. But youve got to make it more interesting. ts alk about biscuits.
OK, all rig graduate from s gone, and I didnt make a cent out of it, and Im looking at a life of flipping burgers.
Jess snorted.
No sounds funny, ;flippingquot; instead of… you know w.
I dont t quot;flippingquot; like quot;flipping ;, said Martin. I t flipping as in turning ts .
Oh, said Jess.
And Im will kill me.
mind
y and frustrated and, and… See, you t doesnt… are you supposed to do all? it, to go, and, and it used to eat me up even age or recording like every minute of times it felt like I needed to be, ot to go. e used to arted up on to tle like Moto;I Got Your Backquot;, ogetoget usually do, and it ribute to our friends and bla album and it es and ty seconds long and no one really noticed it, I mean, people ice it. But arted playing it live, and it kind of got longer, and Eddie t solo. It like a rock guitar solo; it knois Mayfield or Ernie Isley migimes, er like a year or t got to be ten-, te sopper. And or close or stick it in t, and to me it became t felt like surfing, or, or ural feeling maybe a imes a year, and not many people get it even once in ts y to create t routinely, , as part of my I t it, I can see dying of some fucking disease, sorry again. Because ts feels like. Im dying of some disease t dries up all t makes you feel alive, and… Yeain. You seem to ted t about o kill yourself.
ts it, I said. t dries up all the blood in your veins.
ts just in. Its called quot;getting olderquot;. I felt like t even before Id been to prison. Even before I slept girl. Its probably o t.
No, I get it, said Jess.
Yeaic ion, like a tennis player ackno cord. You t you o be someone, but nos obvious youre nobody. You got as mucalent as you t you no skills and no education, and no forty or fifty years of nots pretty s you got noake a lot longer to kill you. Youve got th, or a quick merciful one.
She shrugged.
S. S it.
I if Jess gone to toilet. But you cant stop people going to toilet, can you? I never occurred to me t shed be nosing around where she had no business.
Supid face, ers.
In one er of ter of tballer.
So when? she said.
I stood up and sed at t yours! Id never it of you, ss . Youre a dyke highs. Kinky.
hs.
It ypical of Jess, I t. Sion, ion at all.
Do you even know whese people are? she said.
ttys, ters, not mine. kno t ts said on ter, but I didnt really kno it ty to tractive young age no t I only caug name, Paddy. I took advice from Jo to ure for my lad next time to a game. a great big picture of Paddy celebrating a goal, and even paying for it, but t a little aerwards.
For some reason tle lad, ten or take o a game. And sometimes on Sunday mornings, urday, ty aking it, and sometimes y back from to sometimes you o admit to yourself and to everyone else, tty. tioned Arsenal again after t. I dont miss t on a Sunday morning. ts of good reasons to lose your faith.
I cers t Jess apes and tball boots and ter games and trendy address books. (Address books! Dear God! Of all t spell it out.
I can put a tape on for ening to it, but o fill an address book even got one of my os of ceenage life in there.
to decorate his bedroom.
, and ill slept in a nursery - cloains, bunny rabbits on ting for kno looked terrible, and I done anyt it because it made me too muc o groo replace ts h?
, so perrains and rocket sballers sort of t of course kno t, t knos o do? Everytending, it? t make-believe te, get a plain pair of curtains. t elling I kne trying to . But t stop? Does t mean you can never buy -s , or a picture, because make any sense of pictures? And of colours, or patterns? And it goes saying t talking to ending, so end properly?
In t for trains on tains, and your man from Star ars on ter t I started buying comics every no to see . And curday morning television togettle bit about pop singers like, and sometimes about tV programmes c one of t tending to move on doesnt c it it, ? And any to see Matty, in a strange sort of a must be er for EastEnders: t say to t does t does en to, ball team does ? ts t of pop music ell tter to act surprised.
Most distant family members o. All t t all t rig to knoer and t c grateful to be told o do. Matty took over t, in the end.
You know uff everywhere.
It doesnt matter o Matty.
O do as youre told and put tin. Put t out. c to be? One day, I t, Ill learn to say t for myself.
MARtIN Mattys posters mentioned again t day. e Jess JJ and I couldnt express ty: Jess set t you ter, as in so many ot staying quiet on t because ed being made to stay quiet, o mind.
You cant stand your dad, can you? I asked her.
No, course not. osser.
But you live ick it, man? JJ asked her.
Cant afford to move out. Plus t a cleaner and cable and broadband and all t.
Ao be young and idealistic and principled! I said. Anti-globalization, pro-cleaner, eo be lectured by you they worry.
Aarily cened. Looked at in a certain ligion could be summarized as folloly imprisoned for ed a fatal disease because to do so saved ime, trouble and face eenager for ing to be at s. I made a note to put aside some time later so t I could synopsize it differently.
e o your sister, said Maureen.
Yea didnt erday, did it? e o Jess simply meant t sil s thrown off again.
Got used to it now.
have you? I asked.
Sort of...
Must be a strange to o get used to.
Bit.
Dont you t it all time? JJ asked her.
Cant alk about o be talking about? , exactly? About o do. About t.
Do hink so, said JJ.
t about us soon, you knos only because fuck all the year.
if to forget about us? said Jess.
to remember? I asked her.
e could make some dosd be someto do.
o do? I dunno. I just… I get t . t people erested in us.
Youre mad.
Yealy. ts ed in me. I could even play it up a bit, if you like.
Im sure t be necessary, I said quickly, on beire population of Britain. Youre fine as you are.
Jess smiled sly, surprised by t compliment. tin. So are you. And you - t to knoo kno pizzas and all t. And Maureen could tell everyone about it is living ty. See, some secret superpower.
Yea on. I he superpower of delivering pizzas.
And Maureen he superpower of a disabled son.
ell, all rig, you knohing.
A;t;. Le mot juste, as ever.
Jess sco oo besotted by o me my knoill decided ually top ourselves - t.
And if ually sold tV rigo Valentines Nigurn it into a Big Brot for ted to go over, said JJ.
Jess looked dubious. I dont kno t, s you kno papers and t, Martin. e could make some money, couldnt o you t Ive rouble s al you, isnt it? said Jess. about if t for us? But ory? said JJ. tory. e up, s it. People must do t all time.
Ive been t t if hing? said Jess.
Like o if ly. Yeah.
I didnt see an angel, said Maureen. a spiritual experience for financial gain.
ts terrible, said Maureen, if only because it ed of her.
Its not really inventing, is it? said Jess. No? In ually see an angel? do you call it in poems? Im sorry? You knoure. Sometimes you say sometimes you say sometever.
Similes and metaphors.
Yealy. Sed t s why he was a genius.
No.
, then? Never mind.
So w did ime.
OK. Any; even if youre not actually a prick. As in a penis. Obviously.
Maureen looked close to tears. Oh, for Gods sake, Jess, I said.
Sorry. Sorry. I didnt kno grammar and t.
e do.
Rig;You are a pigquot; w a pig.
Metaphor.
Exactly. e didnt literally see an angel. But of did metaphorically.
e sort of metaped JJ. disbelief t now.
Yeaurned us back. Somet an angel? Because t one.
OK, see one. But you could say t anything was an angel.
Any girl, anyway. Me, or even Maureen.
Any girl could be an angel. JJ again.
Yeah. Because of angels. Girls.
he Angel Gabriel, for example? No.
ell, he - he - was an angel.
Yea patience.
is t see an angel, literally or metapally, seeing sometapever t means, is not tand it, is s not embelliss talking bulls, sorry, Maureen. to be , Id keep to yourself. I tell anyone about t even tional press.
But say if on telly and get a co, you knoared at her.
ts sort of up to us, isnt it? o argue o find a ented ourselves ernoon ended t as ters of us really enjoyed our brief moment of media exposure, interest in our mental o do noter I got told Id seen an angel.
t in : up the fucking wall.
off on one for about ten minutes. But I kne, because Dad ansin never said anyto o Dad, tory needed to stick to our guns, and as long as , ed to oo good an idea to e, it? And t, o it in t of. And for me, it big test as a group. traigo make: ? And to be , if t t, I doubt t good.
I admit I sneaky. First of all I asked JJ to see morning, and old me I making conversation, but I t it mig some stage. And t o old they gave me her mobile number.
S s t serested and encouraging, really. If s as a journalist, Id say it soo encouraging, if anytoo believing and trusting. Youd expect a good journalist to be all, you knorut I could old ten it doween you and me.
So s did t, to s we were friends.
Id t about tupid to say .
Not , I said. And Linda , , no decision.
I laug, No, he looked all modern, and she was like, Really?
(I alalking about . But , its a drag, isnt it? Like, , like, . So Im going to do it like a play from no so good on speecever, but I can remember plays from reading t sching.
LINDA: A band? hich band?
ME: I dont know. Radio.
LINDA: hy Radiohead?
(You couldnt say anyt ion. I said Radio look like anyt blokes, arent t kno film? t married to Jennifer Lopez, matt.
LINDA: tt Damon?
ME: Yea.
LINDA: So. A t Damon.
ME: all t, Matt Damon. But, yeah.
LINDA: And whis angel?
ME: hen?
LINDA: Yes, o jumping were you?
ME: O t minute.
LINDA: oanding on the ledge? All of you?
ME: Yeao go over toget of tanding to eac. And o do One, this voice behind us.
LINDA: You must ened out of your s.
ME: Yea fall off.
ME: Yeah.
LINDA: So you all turned around… ME: Yeaurned around, and was he wearing?
ME: Just a sort of… Like a baggy suit, sort of te suit. Quite fas him back a few quid.
LINDA: A designer suit?
ME: Yeah.
LINDA: tie?
ME: No. No tie.
LINDA: An informal angel.
ME: Yea-casual, anyway.
LINDA: And did you knoely a human man?
ME: Oh, yeah.
LINDA: how?
ME: tuned in properly. And you could see rig see .
You could just see like the roof.
LINDA: how high?
ME: sares tall. But re above the ground.
LINDA: So t tall?
ME: tres above then.
LINDA: So tall.
ME: tres. ever.
LINDA: So were above your heads.
ME: (Becoming fucked off metres, but trying not to s) to begin t of t , and . I got t done any rusty.
(I making tuff up as I along. I mean, you kno up. But seeing as t t I , anyway.) LINDA: Amazing. ME: Yea really was. LINDA: So w did he say?
ME: jump. But very peacefully.
Calmly. ell ?
ME: Not in so many you could out. LINDA: Because of the inner wisdom.
ME: Yea sort of air about God personally. It s all he said?
ME: ime come yet. Go back do and joy. And tell t upid.
hing I personally believe.
(t last bit, t, part of the play.
Im just giving you extra information, so you can get a better picture of tend to spread t message? ME: Yeas one of t to do tervieerrorists or God is not a t. side of things.
LINDA: Im sure our readers very t-provoking.
And you all sa?
ME: O miss him.
LINDA: Martin S?
ME: O… more than any of us.
(I didnt quite kno meant, but I could tell it ant to Martin was involved.) LINDA: So now w?
ME: ell. eve got to o do.
LINDA: Of course. ill you be talking to any other newspapers?
ME: Oely.
I . I got o five grand in to promise t so speak to everybody, though.
JJ It didnt seem like it o be too difficult, at first. OK, none of us Jess us into t it didnt seem over. ed grit our teetake try and forget it ever t day youre sitting in front of a journalist, and youre all agreeing raig tt Damon, and loyalty seemed like t of all tues. It like you could just go tions, eito just say, Yeaever. Seeing an angel is clearly a big deal, so youve got to act like its a big deal, ement and open-mouts o do open-moutted teet stuff, kind of. But because s, s trouble iently and sloal soul, Its for five thousand pounds.
to sit for Matty, and Linda in t on Neaken - mostly group ss, but took one or tside, ing at t end up using t a little, and one of us do it at all. And ter t, Linda asked us questions.
It in ser - Martin So say t an angel Martin So say, I AM A ACKO -OFFICIAL - s-page story. Martin kne, too, so o alk-s ual in telling Linda t Sidney Carton guy in A tale of ties going to tine so t in to er good. t Sidney guy, ty, so Martin just looked pissed off.
Jess did all talking to begin tired of arted to ask Martin questions directly.
So , because of being out of practice, but t level.
Martin o put on things more embarrassing for him.
So in, in repeated.
e didnt too stunned.
ts rigin.
But you must somet was only, Bloody o Rise and Sin. She chuckled encouragingly.
ell, said Martin. I been presenting t ime asking him.
Youve got your cable shough.
Yes.
So maybe . She chuckled encouragingly again.
e tend to book mainly suff. Stand-up comedians, soap stars… tsman.
So youre saying you arted tioning, Linda seemed kind of reluctant to let it drop.
I dont know.
You dont knos not David Letterman, your s? Its not like people are so get on it.
e do all right.
I couldnt s of tory. An angel - possibly like an emissary from ted a toop us all from killing ourselves, and sed to knoalk s kno ions nearer terview.
person on t wed ever heard of, anyway.
Youd in. ticular angel? tt Damon? Ive heard of angels, she said.
ell, Im sure youve resses, said Martin. eve oo.
e a piece about a guest on Martins s ? Usually call ;t;, said Jess. But… ould you mind if Martin ansions? Youve some said very much.