An-Mei hsu

    Yesterday my daugo me, quot;My marriage is falling apart.quot;

    And no coucears out about til to fall, not to cry about, everything dry.

    S;No c; S knory, she can lose her chance forever.

    I knoaugo desire noto so eat my oterness.

    And even tauger te, still s t is because so me and so my motairs, one step after anot all going the same way.

    I knoo be quiet, to listen and c to c o listen, ill  y years ago.

    My motranger to me  my uncles  seen  I knew sher, because I could feel her pain.

    quot;Do not look at t ; . quot;So tream. ral spirit is lost forever. t decayed flested to t;

    And I are at my mot look evil. I ed to touc looked like mine.

    It is true, srange foreign clot s speak back urn to tientsin, wo a rich man.

    me? tion I could not ask. I was a ccen.

    t before so leave, s o protect me from a danger I could not see. I o bring old me a story.

    quot;An-mei,quot; s;tle turtle t lives in t; I nodded. tyard and I often poked a stick in till er to make turtle s from underneathe rocks.

    quot;I also kne turtle ;I used to sit by tco ting ttle beak. urtle.quot;

    I could see t turtle in my mind and I knehe same one.

    quot;turtle feeds on our ts,quot; said my mot;I learned t s, or run, or sit on to catcs. I could not cry if I ed. I o be silent and listen to my elders. And if I did not do t off my o a place w nuns lived.

    quot;t niger Popo told me t by to ter. And because I o cry. turtle so top and ing my tears as soon as toucer. e tears, t of to a smooto speak.

    quot;turtle said, I en your tears, and t I must warn you. If you cry, your life will always be sad.

    quot;turtle opened  poured five, six, seven pearly eggs. tely began to cter and sing. I knee bellies and pretty voices t t to to drink greedily. And ure one, t to the air, laughing.

    quot;Nourtle, drifting back into t is useless to cry. Your tears do not o sears. quot;

    But after my motory, I looked at o cry again, t te, to live like turtles seeing tery ogettom of ttle pond.

    In to  t angry sounds in tance. I jumped out of my bed and ran quietly to my window.

    Out in t courtyard, I sacone pat somet find it again. In front of ood Uncle, my moting.

    quot;You  to take your daug; Uncle stamped  at tinent t. quot;You s;

    My mot say anyt on turtle in to cry in tter tears.

    I o get dressed. And by time I ran doairs and into t room, my mot to leave. A servant aking runk outside. My auntie tle broto close my mouted, quot;Ma!quot;

    quot;See o your daug; exclaimed my uncle.

    And my motill bo me and sa stop my tears from running doood up tall, raig noaller t to me and I ran to , calm voice: quot;An-mei, I am not asking you. But I am going back to tientsin no;

    My auntie ely ;A girl is no better t sop of a ne. But in front of you, it is just t you see in front of you.quot;

    And ermined to leave. Because t of me  I could not understand. So I turned my ies strange  my mother.

    No;Is t you  to do?quot; said my uncle. quot;t your ;  vase on t smaso many pieces. I jumped, and my motook my hand.

    ;Come, An-mei. e must ; she said, as if observing a rainy sky.

    quot;An-mei!quot; I  call piteously from be t;S;—Finis;S;

    As I  rue, ed it.

    And I satle brotie o  dare take my broto somebody elses o live. If , ure. But I kne asked o follow.

    my uncle rue. After I sa keep my ed.

    In to tation, my mot;Poor An-mei, only you kno only I could see te and rare ts.

    But on train, I realized raveled for seven days, one day by rail, six days by steamer boat. At first, my motold me stories of tientsin w w been.

    Salked of clever peddlers s, and my mote, a te, till finger- off to the hungry buyer.

    S and its seafood and claimed it ter t e in Ningpo. Big clams, pra—oto t?

    Sold me about narroreets s sold vegetables I en before in my life—and my mot, so tender, so fresions of ty  never togete s, some dirty, some clean. And ted in pink, anot jutted out at every angle like ts of Victorian dresses, oted s and ed o look like ivory.

    And in tertime I  art to rain, and tly, more sloil it became als of quince blossoms in ts and pants, so if it ter cold, no matter!

    Sold me many stories until my face urned forosin. But ientsin gulf, ters co black and t began to rock and groan. I became fearful and sick. And at nigream my aunt , ters t ccers from my sickbed on t, I  my aunts s. And my ts, too, became cloudy and confused.

    On to arrive in tientsin, s into our sleeping cabin o tting room on top deck, sranger. ed t ter, t te, op of

    across t.  ucked into t, except for t curls on  faced eace lace collar t fell all to  and ened doh a silk rose.

    t. e  I could not say anyther wear her shame so boldly.

    In ten on top: quot;Fine Englisailored Apparel, tientsin.quot; I remember s told me: quot;Open it! Quickly!quot; Srange manner, it  until many years later, ore letters and pograp I wondered  seen me for many years, s I would someday follow  I should wear a new dress when I did.

    And   tiers of ruffles for a skirt. tained ockings, e o be fastened on ies.

    Everytoo big. My s slipping out of t  t I did not mind. S mind. I raised my arms and stood perfectly still. S pins and ttle tucks uffed in terials, toes of tissue paper, until everyt. earing t as if I  and I o walk in a new way.

    And t c dreo the dock.

    quot;An-mei, noo start your netle broto eat. Do you to be ;

    I nodded quietly, t t say anyt t ask any questions, because noientsin. My motructions to our porter, pointed to our trunks and  o be five or six dead foxes ails. S t around ighe crowd of people.

    t to meet us. My motform, looking nervously from side to side.

    quot;An-mei, come! ; s, trying to stay in too-large s c s; rics follos of food.

    e stood near treet, . e s, c tation, c e morning, and alt seemed side, the sky was gray and clouding over.

    After a long time of standing and seeing no one, my moted for a rickshaw.

    During ted extra caso carry t t from treet, teness of tomacs, surned s to me: a spot on my neangle in my ed stockings. I tried to ing to ask  a small park, a bird flying above us, a long electric streetcar t passed us sounding its horn.

    But s;An-mei, sit still. Do not look so eager. e are only going ;

    And wed.

    I kne be an ordinary old me sing, ories and lived in a mansion located in tisientsin, t section of ty oo far from Paima Di, Racereet, o little s sold only one kind of tea, or only fabric, or only soap.

    t; u tsing liked foreign t yle cloto display tside.

    And even till amazed at w I saw.

    t of tone gate, rounded at top, o step over. ites I sayard and I -smelling cassia trees, no garden pavilions, no bencting by a pond, no tubs of fisead, to eacains. And as  closer to t in tern style. It ories ar and stone, al balconies on eac every corner.

    and greeted my motc;Oaitai, youve already arrived! ; to fuss over my mot t amount. Saitai, title of ife, as if my mot he only wife.

    Yan Co ots to take our luggage, called anot to bring tea and draily explained t Second ife old everyone not to expect us for anot least. quot; a so greet you! Second ife, to Peking to visit ives. Your daugty, your same look. S ife, ers…gone on a pilgrimage to anot temple…Last  a little crazy, came to visit, turned out not to be a cousin, not an uncle, w;

    As soon as o t big  oo many to see: a curved staircase t ing and turning into one room to my rig iff teakure: sofas and tables and c to more rooms, more furniture, to my left ting room, ture: dark green leatings ing dogs, armc people, and Yan C;t. t one, s ter of cooks akes care of t;

    And taircase. e came to top of tairs and I found myself in anotting room. e o t, doepped into anot;t; Yan Cold me proudly. quot;t;

    And t t first,  bed. It  time: soft rose silk and s  eac dangled large silk ties ains. t on four squat lions pa of it o use a small step stool to climb onto tumbled onto to discover a soft mattress t en times thickness of my bed in Ningpo.

    Sitting in t led to a balcony. In front of table of t too sat on carved lions legs and ea and s cakes on table and was now ligove for burning coal.

    It  t my uncles ually quite o-do. But tientsin  to myself, My uncle sing.

    artled by a sudden clang! clang! clang! folloe t and bears carved into it. t open and a tiny room full of people . ted cap seated at a table. o drink soup, but  and stop e scarf and blue dress anding next to table and so give t to t and s jacket. Sill  in my er these many years—ni-ah! nah! nah! nah! nah-ni-nah!

    to see, but after I  t first , and travagant nuisance. I could not sleep for many niger, I found I y: to not listen to someto me.

    I able bed, t my uncles tle brot most of my ts fleo all to see and do in this house.

    I c er pouring out of pipes not just in tc also into  flus servants o empty to First ife and to no one. quot;ts,quot; said Yan Chang.

    On ts, said Yan Co a cabinet t  es.

    t o remember everyt  oo many good ter a   a novelty. quot;O; I said  meats as t;Ive tasted t;

    My moto regain  nature. S s noe mourning bands se ttoms. During ted to strange and funny t, Broo do, alked about ts: atoes on top of t to enjoy t nigell me stories as I lay in her arms falling asleep.

    If I look upon my ime able:  I remember clearly  became no longer comfortable.

    It er  at a table cance, ss, and t the ball and ran off barking in high happy voices.

    My motation. So to. t aking luggage out of one ricks.

    All ts croorcar, looking at tal, admiring tained  seats. t stepped a young girl. S o be only a fe sockings, and  my oains and I felt ashamed.

    And ts reaco t of torcar and a man ed by botsing.  tall, but puffed out like a bird. ril. ern suit jacket  t closed too tigomac s o vieoing as ted aking . o t,  everyone o  remark to anot;Fift bring any of s, only a  nurse.quot;

    I looked up at tc t u tsing aken ually just an aftert, a foolis of decoration for orcar.

    My mot jealous of t love u tsing. A girl in C marry for love. Sion, and my motion, I later learned, .

    After u tsing and Fiften stayed in ernoon, s rides in ty, searc of silk in a color s seem to name.  name it.

    And so, . You may  myself. I can remember only able I felt, rutomacerrible o ell you, it  as bad as  some fifteen years later ed to fall and, listening in tance, I could  rumbles and kne oppable.

    A feer u tsing . My motly.

    quot;An-mei, be a good girl,quot; sired voice. quot;Go to Yan C;

    I rubbed my eyes and as I a sing.

    quot;Be quiet. Notter. Go to Yan C; my mother whispered.

    And ted me doo to sing and u tsings deep voice complaining of t to Yan C ed me and knew I would be crying.

    t morning I could not look at my mot I sa Fift breakfast t morning, in front of everybody, ed o a servant for serving ared at icizing a servant t sing to cry. But later t morning, Fifth ife was smiling again, prancing around in a new dress and new shoes.

    In ternoon, my mot time. e ore to find embroidery t;Do you see ; s;Do you see ion?

    makes mudbrick tiles. And at nigo me, smelling of ;

    S;You can see no not forget. I  ai, t alai!quot;

    Sefully I s sounded like t means quot;die.quot; And I remembered Popo once telling me four is a very unlucky number because if you say it in an angry  al wrong.

    t became cs returned o tientsin. tion o be sent to tation, but of course t  enougo carry torcar came a dozen or so rickss folloo pour out of torcar.

    My motanding beo greet everybody. A hree girls, one of whom was my age, followed behind.

    quot;ters,quot; said my mother.

    t speak. But I continued to stare. teeterpillar. to carry one of her packages.

    I felt my motiffen on my s;And t you to call ; she whispered.

    I sa and dark estern clottle boy  rosy co be two years old.

    quot;tlest brot; my mot of ttle finger around Second ifes long pearl necklace. I  and to give instructions to till crowded around her.

    And toep. Sared, as if sted my , graceful movement of rand and put it around my neck.

    t beautiful piece of jeern style, a long strand, eacical pinkisone, e silver to clasp together.

    My motely protested: quot;too muc. S.quot;

    But Second ife simply said to me: quot;Sucty girl needs someto put t on ;

    I could see by t t s like Second ife. I o be careful  to let my mot I  Second ife his special favor.

    quot;t; I said to Second ife. And I o avoid s still I could not help smiling.

    ea in er t afternoon, I knew she was angry.

    quot;Be careful, An-mei,quot; s; you  genuine. Srying to trick you, so you ;

    I sat quietly, trying not to listen to my mot pers. I  listen to her.

    quot;Give to me,quot; she said suddenly.

    I looked at  moving.

    quot;You do not believe me, so you must give me t let ;

    And  move, sood up and ed t necklace off. And before I could cry to stop  tepped on it.  it on table, I saw w s  boug and mind now had one bead of crushed glass.

    Later s broken bead and knotted togetold me to  is to lose myself to someter I o learn t me take turned to me: quot;Norue?quot; And I nodded.

    S somet s center so pure t I never ceased to look at t ring h wonder.

    Before t ife returned from Peking,  ife o  ife om.

    But First ife turned out to be a living g, no t to Second ife,  intact. First ife looked quite ancient and frail , yle padded jacket and pants, and plain, lined face. But no I remember  not oo old, maybe u tsings age, so sy.

    First ife, I t sed as if s see me. S see u tsing. S see my mot sers beyond t least ty-five. And s in time to scold ting on a table leg.

    quot; ife sometimes see and sometimes not see?quot; I asked Yan C as she.

    quot;First ife says s is Buddion,quot; said Yan C;So most faults.quot;

    Yan C First ife co be blind to tsing yandi, ual marriage arranged by a matcs, and protected by ts of tors. But after t year of marriage, First ife o a girl oo s. And tune led First ife to begin a trek to Budd temples, to offer alms and tailored silk goo Buddo lengters leg. As it ead to bless First ife er, t legs, but—alas!—ea stain splasune, First ife began to go on so many pilgrimages to tsinan, just a rain ride to t u tsing bougo manage  and test monturned to tientsin to pay s and suffer sigime surned, sting all day like a Buddalking softly to  come doairs for meals. Instead sed or ate vegetarian meals in sing  in ea for   bot night.

    t of a  in fact s ideas into oo o deserve  in tsinan, but one to t, in little Petaiiful seaside resort filled erraces and gardens and hy widows.

    quot;e are going to live in a ; sold me  turquoise color of kingfis;t be as big as t  s. u tsing ;

    During t er monts and c dare go outside. Yan C my skin o a ts al everyday sigooops of stores al tell, ty hick cover of snow.

    So every day ayed in to amuse ourselves. My mot foreign magazines and clipped out pictures of dresses s doairs to discuss ailor erials available.

    I did not like to play ers,  looking out tcead, Yan Ced cnuts on top of ttle coal stove. And burning our fingers  nuggets, urally started to giggle and gossip. to play. Yan Cended to sing badly in tyle and  loud, remembering erday evening, accompanying ringed lute and making many mistakes. So suffer tertainment, until u tsing declared it old me a story about Second ife.

    quot;ty years ago, sung sing-song girl, a , especially among married men eaty, sress. Sruments, sing ancient tales breaking clarity, and touco iny feet in just t manner.

    quot;u tsing o be  for love, but because of tige of oed. And ter s ed to become his concubine.

    quot;From tart, Second ife knerol u tsings money. S t s. And everybody kno suicide is to come back as a g and scatter tea leaves and good fortune. So ell u tsing ser, Second ife  she had asked.

    quot;Send-suicides, s began to suspect so eat ting ent enougter room in te rickss, a sum for buying blessings at temples.

    quot;But one t sing o ral rites and tee ual eternity. So before u tsing could complain about Second ifes lack of sons, sable to bear your sons. By ure, you can see se true. As you can see, te ugly. S even .

    quot;ted to Second ife for arranging t over management of t need to lift a finger, ss, sed relatives on festival days. S nurses for eacers tsing. And later, ient for a son and began to spend too muceaies, Second ife arranged it so t your motsings t;

    Yan Cory in sucural and lively  I applauded inued to crack cnuts open, until I could no longer remain quiet.

    quot; did Second ife do so my motsing?quot; I asked timidly.

    quot;A little c understand suc; she scolded.

    I immediately looked do, until Yan Cless again to  afternoon.

    quot;Your mot; said Yan Calking to ;is too good for t;

    quot;Five years ago—your fat to o visit t Lake. Your fated sced to tues of Buddoo observe t s, and speeco refrain from giving opinions, and to s to cross t opposite a man and a sing and Second ife.

    quot;u tsing must y immediately. Back to , iful! But because ss. S remarry.

    quot;But t stop Second ife from tired of c tea  five more  u tsings outside appetite. So ssing to lure your moto his bed.

    quot;Sted  so go to tery of ts Retreat t day. And Second ife s t place as er more friendly talk, sed your moto dinner. Your motion sed. And after to your mot doesnt matter if you play badly. e are only t play at all unless you omorro.

    quot;t niger a long evening of maed my mot. Stay! Stay! Dont be so polite. No, your politeness is really more inconvenient. ainly big enougwo.

    quot;As your mot soundly in Second ifes bed, Second ife got up in t and left tsing took o find oucs, s of bed.   on  and told o undress. Your mot scream or cry when he fell on her.

    quot;In t in a ricksears streaming do me o many people about ted u tsing into bed. hless widow accuse a rich woman of lying?

    quot;So o be o bear  citute. And o oimes to say good-bye,  is il your grandmot to live in tientsin, to sings er, so a son, which Second ife claimed as her own.

    quot;And t is o live in u tsings ; concluded Yan Chang proudly.

    And t tlest brother.

    In trut Yan Celling me my motory. Secrets are kept from cop of ttle, so t boil over oo mucruth.

    After Yan Cold me tory, I saood before.

    I sarue nature.

    I sao go visit o quot;s; And of course, s alsing of Fifto be lured by hy flesh.

    I saou to First ife, bo w ifes power had been drained away.

    I sao treets. And I knew wch and happiness.

    And I saerrible pain as Second ife bounced Syaudi on elling t;As long as I am your moto o;

    And I knesings promise of a  of pretend-suicide. And my moto bring the promise back.

    I suffered so mucer Yan Cold me my motory. I ed my moto s at u tsing, to s at Second ife, to s at Yan Co tell me tories. But my mot even  to do this. She had no choice.

    t ill black outside.

    quot;Quickly!quot; sogether.

    My motly lit. As soon as I stool. o no. And noo stretc of ongue ry to make it fall out.

    quot;ake up!quot; I anding tsing, Yan Cor.

    quot;Saken too muc; cried Yan C;tor says ;

    So ting. I also ed those many hours.

    t of ted to s to ts meaningless noise be silent, but I did not.

    I ced to say t  . But I stood ting and saying nothing.

    And tory about ttle turtle,  to cry. And I ed to s to  it oo many tears. And I tried to s too fast, until finally my closed lips burst open and I cried and cried, tting everybody in tears.

    I fainted o Yan C morning, wher was dying, I was dreaming.

    I o to a pond. And I became a little turtle lying at ttom of tery place. Above me I could see te bellies. I  til I ears left and ty, everything as dry as sand.

    Yan Cer told me my motened to Second ife and tried to do pretend-suicide. False o this woman who caused her so much suffering.

    I knoened to , to no longer pretend. I kno it became a weapon?

    ten yicky s dumpling t everybody eats to celebrate. Se one after trange remark. quot;You see  eat enougterness.quot; And ter poison, not candied seeds or t. o o me t s so sronger one.

    tickiness clung to  remove ts to keep  t. A silk goe slippers est leat pearls on eacoe, to ligo nirvana.

    Seeing  time, I t scared. I knerutoo. I am strong, too.

    Because  on ter someone dies, to settle scores. In my mot day of t is ts must be paid, or disaster and misfortune will follow.

    So on t day, u tsing, fearful of my mot,  of ton mourning cloting g t o revere  ife, his only wife.

    And on t day, I s under my foot.

    And on t day, Second ifes o turn we.

    And on t day, I learned to s.

    I knoo live your life like a dream. to listen and co ry to understand w has already happened.

    You do not need a psycrist to do trist does not  you to o dream some more, to find tears into it. And really,  another bird drinking from your misery.

    My mot ried to . Ser misery and finally could not . to understand. t  speak up. t run a e.

    But noo sears or suffer taunts of magpies. I knohis news in a magazine from China.

    It said t for tormenting ts. to cs bent over in t, crying into to er tood up, tears and eat tarved.

    But one day, all tired peasants—from all over Ccing and drinking. And t;Enoug; to clap ticks on pots and pans and s, quot;Sz! Sz! Sz!quot;—Die! Die! Die!

    And all ting t above, ing for to stop. But ts only greronger, angrier. ted, unable to land, unable to eat. And tinued for many il all ttered to till, until not one bird remained in the sky.

    say if I told  I sed for joy his had happened?